The paradox of parenting-child attachment versus independent
By Sulakshana Viswanathan on 2017-01-26
My article is about how parenting could lead to a paradox of bringing up independent and dependent children. A child's dependency is high on parents when they are spoon fed for every decision they take in life. A child independence is very high when they are neglected. Positive parenting is about striking a balance between the dependency and independence factors.
Life is the most beautiful magic wand of the creator. The different stages of “how a baby living organism goes through - be it a butterfly, or a seed, or a human baby is a miracle to watch”.
How does it feel to be a parent?
When an animal becomes a parent - imagine a duck gives birth to tiny ducklings. They are a mini version of the mother and father duck. The proud parents would feed them, protect them, and watch them become independent. That is the cycle of animals, wherein the parents gives birth, and they take responsibility in feeding them till they can hunt on their own
What makes them different from human parenting? Well it’s the same, the only difference humans need money to bring up their children in a good way. This surviving factor here creates the paradox of the attachment and bringing up techniques with the child.
Here is an insight into the paradox of parenting-child attachment reasons:
Ditch the bossy attitude! Children are miniature dolls of their parents. Isn’t it beautiful to have a miniature doll that looks like you or your partner or your family member? The attachment is automatic as it is a blood relation. The love of the parents can never be substituted by anyone. However for survival instincts, parents become masters and start controlling the child as a toy.
They want the child to do what they like, with good intentions so that the child can lead a good future. Many parents see themselves as a superior person over the child. It is like a teacher-student relationship. They calculate the money they spend and make sure the child ensures it works and studies to get the returns. This is a paradox of attachment.
One must remember that the child is another human living on this planet. He or she may have come through you, and may look like you, but they think different. A father who maybe a football lover, may have his boy loving baseball. Sometimes both the parents and children can think the same way. Whatever maybe the way of thinking, great parenting comes with spending time with children and having great conversations!
When you become a friend, you put yourself in the child shoes and understand what they want and are going through in life. However being a friend may sometimes give unlimited freedom and hence you have to follow the one simple rule "One is a good cop, one is a bad cop".
Based on situations, either the mother would support or father may stop or vice versa. One has to show the bright side so that the child is encouraged, and the other has to be a “tolerable” bad cop so that the child is controlled.
With attachment comes a lot of love, and hence the dependency factor is very high. Parents never let children out of sight because of this bondage.
The only goal for an animal baby is to make the child find its own food and then they move on. Western civilizations somehow follow this detachment when they let children pursue their own goals and make them move out of home after 18. They do not interfere in their sexual preferences, their goals, way of living, career etc. However this detachment though makes them very independent the emotional bondage are not expressed more, and hence the child maybe a lonely kid. In times of adversity or problems, they may lead to bad habits or harmful consequences of their behavior.
An Asian parent on the other hand most of them totally take control of all the child's wishes and dreams. It is like a prison for the child. The balance is to create an atmosphere where the child can enjoy the benefits of parenting by being independent in his own circle, and also leading a healthy life. This healthy life can be lead, if the parents like hawks watch over their activities for their self-development. A mentor and holding hands always would guide the child in the correct path.
The child must be allowed to hold hands with many members of family so that the love is shared and not limited to one person. Hence if one person is missing, then the child can share his love with the other person. Children are source of joy. The creator has assigned this duty to each person to develop their child in a good manner to enjoy the planet.
Being parents and with limited energy, good parenting is possible when there are maximum 2 children in today's society. Earlier during our grandma days, there were 10 to 11 children per mother and it’s a wonder how they brought them up to meet the needs of the society. Big joint families are a lot of maintenance together comes with a lot of strength and joy.
Many childless couples, single lonely people, and couples with different sexual preferences should work towards adopting or sponsoring at least one poor child as it brings joy and also helps to see parenting being a guardian.
Cherish everyday by loving the tiny buds of life.